the zhaf speaks

Wednesday, November 26, 2003:

backtrack

let's see. fri... prayers, got to sch pretty early. i ended up passin e time wif jack n keatlun in e canteen. diligent as alwaes keatlun wuz hard at work on sum sat panic book. me bein me i juz had to get sum shuteye at e sickbay. i honestly tink i'm e most frequent user of e sickbay in rj's history. 3-4 times a wk durin e sch term. hmm.

sat dragged my sorry ass down to sch. the sun boisterously bombarded us incessantly wif searin intensity. was so exhausted after tt i honestly wonder how i survived till sundown.

i realise listin it all out chronologically is rather constipated. it's like followin a timetable to go to e toilet and take a crap. hmm.

e first few hours of mondae were harbingers of a very pleasant surprise, e likes of which i haven't had e privilege of savourin for quite some time now. reminiscent of last yr, after a fashion though. all i can say is, i get by wif a little help from my frens. pretty amazin, a reversal of e trend. for once it din start wif me. where do i go from here?

oh peeps do take it from me, dun ever try extendin ur passport e dae bfore a public holidae. u'll end up quein up till armageddon hits home. thankfully fastin ended while i wuz waitin for my turn at immigration. e euphoria overwhelmed my irritation at havin to wait 2+ hours for my turn. btw today made me realise how important it is to let bygones be bygones. hmm.

hari raya's come n gone. to be honest it reeli wuzn anitin special dis yr. i'm startin to wonder if my emotions need a bit of plumbin to clear e works up. feelin is sumthin i covet so much, been an eon since it's blown me away.

now tt brings me to today. yesterday actually. nothin much apart from a trip to e hospice. today spent an interestin 2 hours or so wif dr.ngoh. sadly i'm gettin more n more disillusioned. in it's current state medicine is too symptomatic in it's treatment. i dream of e day when me n likeminded pioneers turn e tide. forever.

n gosh, pointers = shit. not e first time i've said dis.mebbe it's juz e e hairdresser. but honestly i trust male hairdressers more. okae so they're by n large rather effeminate. but man they noe wat they're doin n they possess enuff objectivity to give u a gd haircut. wif female hairdressers i (usually) get wishy-washy cuts tt aren't aesthetically shaped. aniwae once i got home i trimmed abit here n there in desperation. looks sumwat okae now, tho it cud haf been better. i reeli shud drop by reds when my hair grows back.

dis 2nd guessin is unhealthy. e uncertainty tt dwells in my chest is unsettlin. it exudes anxiety tt circulates round my body n sickens me. e only thing left to me is to let go. but a large part of me doesn't want to. well sumtimes i shudn deign botherin wif ppl.

wif regards to a different matter, i remember how once e whole issue of my feelins for a loved one seemed ill-defined, nebulous in fact. but there n then i told myself she would be it, i'd go out on a limb, i'd take e leap of faith. sure enough i hit e ground pretty hard, she forgot to fill e swimmin pool wif water. so mebbe now i shud take a step back, survey all tt's before me rather den exhibit unneccessary brazenness. till e nxt time e emotion flows so strong n high it overwhelms bunds of rational thought, i guess i must be content to share my abode wif ambivalence.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:00 am

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003:

bemused

i intended this blog to serve as a storehouse of memories. perhaps a decade later i'll read e stuff here n trigger e firing of a dozen different emotions. perhaps when i'm older (n hopefully wiser) i'll thumb thru my archives n be reminded of how idiotic we all (well generally) were durin our misguided n halcyon youth. perhaps this blog'll work as tour guide when i wanna walk down memory lane n explore its nooks and crannies.

but, invariably there alwaes is a but (not tt sort u pervies), after browsin my archives recently i realise tt i write too much out of context. usually my entries r vague n written in semi-riddles, a noisome nuisance tt perplexes me. not every memory is indelibly poignant tt it brands itself onto e landscape of my mind n so i sometimes read my archived entries n gleam nothin, it reeli duz seem like e undecipherable musins of a philosopher on crack.

therein lies e monumental challenge, makin sure i'm able to understand all of dis when i'm readin it out of context in e future, all e while keepin in mind tt i dun want e general public privy to e more personal happenins in e life of yours truly. hmm.

aniwae ramadan has ended, heraldin e arrival of a mixture of ineffable feelins. sadness coloured wif a tinge of regret at not havin done nothin more den e threadbare minimum. elation at bein able to wake up to a gd brunch as well as e prospect of revertin to gluttony, eatin as much as i want, when i want.

i've been pleasantly surprised recently, but not wifout sum aggravatinly annoyin stowaways. screw passport extension heh. my inner sloth is takin over n i am loathe to furnish further details. another night perhaps?

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:26 am

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Thursday, November 20, 2003:

yawn

i am feelin rather tired. no surprise considerin i've been tryin to squeeze so much into each day, even when job shadowin ends 3-4pm. mebbe it's takin it's toll, my healthy exterior belies e bacterial skirmishes occurrin on e red battlefield of my tonsils. perhaps e germs r gainin ground, after all my throat's burnin sumwat. i tink it's time for me to relax for abit. sumthin substantial's gotta precede recuperative respite tho, will tie up various loose ends like finishin up my spaper appeal letter. only then will i grant myself queiscence by retreatin to e cosiness of my bedroom, it's soporific ambience finally soothin my fatigued bein n lullin it into sweet slumber.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:06 am

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Wednesday, November 19, 2003:

it's abt life, not death

a hospice is... a program that provides palliative care and attends to the emotional and spiritual needs of terminally ill patients at an inpatient facility or at the patient's home.

palliative care relieves or soothes the symptoms of a disease or disorder without effecting a cure.

dover park hospice - been goin there e past 3 days for job shadowin. i'm not feignin political correctness when i say tt it was an eye-opener. i've acquainted myself wif e less palatable aspects of life. i'm more aware of e harrowin path tt awaits doctor wannabes like me. sumtimes society keeps everyone in e dark abt e more unsavoury aspects of life, i am rather fortunate tt these aspects of life which we all inevitably come into contact wif were illumed to me. i haf light, albeit a small amt to find my way around these dour n dreary halls.

e thought of death invokes feelins of repugnance in many. but truth be told e grim reaper comes to all of us eventually. which makes me wonder y pri schs dun teach students how to cope wif death, a preemptive measure tt will serve as an emotional cushion to ease e pain when unceremoniously arrives. honesty is e best policy, we shudn beat round e bush or propagate fallacies where mortality is concerned.

it amazed me when staff nurse mazlan divulged a sad fact, tt more den 3/4s of e tenants at e hospice r unable to accept tt dey haf little time left, tt their prognosis is grim, tt they will prob leave e hospice only wif death's shroud drawn over their lifeless faces. guess it will be hard to come to terms wif tt. n mebbe i'm bein patronisin, mebbe i've experienced too little, but still, it's inevitability. bein unable to accept tt is a sure sign of callow immaturity. by e by, i strongly believe tt a strong faith in the guy up there n his mysterious n ineffable methods takes awae much of e fear of death. haf yet to meet a person who truly fears God n death concurrently.

one tremendous paradigm shift occurred in my thinkin - a hospice is abt livin, not abt dying. even if the patients were all too far gone, e focus was alwaes on alleviatin e pain, on givin dem quality of life as far as possible, till e end. e doctors, nurses n social workers at e hospice never throw in e gauntlet, ever. truly, e whole place is abt life, not death.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:32 am

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Saturday, November 15, 2003:

inertia

no big deal for me, wakin up round 12-1 in e afternoon durin e hols. but todae, yes todae, i stretched e boundaries of e possible, i woke up at round 4pm. intermittently i'd somehow rouse n be reanimated for a short span of a few minutes, starin blankly at e ceilin from e perfect vantage point tt my dear ol' mattress offered. then sumthin indiscernible wud drag me back down, i'd be wadin in e quagmire of slumber once more. believe me, sleep juz feels GOOD, but too much of anythin sux. i've much to do, lingerin too long in e ineffable stasis of slumber gets in e way.

soon enuff i'll haf potentially halcyon hours of enjoyment wrested from my grasp, job shadowin which is a 9 to 5 affair begins on mondae. couple tt wif hari raya prep n i'm pretty much earthbound till job shadowin ends on e 29th, which coincidentally is when e embassy party's happenin. but till then, i'll be sloggin, esp on days when i haf trainin. get off work early round 430, cab to sch n train from 5 or so till 7. ah bummer. but u noe wat dey sae, wat duzn kill u makes u stronger.

i'm in e driver's seat, e car's careenin cos i've fallen asleep at e wheel. ding dong, sumone pls wake me up. e mess is accumulatin ard me, i need to clear it up n get on my way. far too much time has passed wif far less than e commensurate amt of stuff bein accomplished.

aniwae caught wishin stairs wif red todae. man, korean gals r e bomb. n btw i wuz thinkin, who's e dude saddlin more pretentiousness n contrivances? i dunno, sumtimes you juz dun bloody hell make sense, your train of thought's veered off track n u construct tt all-knowin veneer. among frens, dun even think of bluffin ur way thru when dont noe enuff abt e matter at hand.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:26 am

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Friday, November 14, 2003:

jaded

an attitude of gratitude
to remedy this lassitude
in solitude find i fortitude
to face life, it's one big platitude

caught in the flurry, your sight seems so blurry
dear friend please don't worry, you're not edible calamari
just remember to parry, you're screwed if you tarry

as u can tell, i'm stuck in e insipid n prosaic realm of boredom, stupid shitty quagmire it is. btw, to be jaded is to be bored. which is rather contrary cos boredom is undeniably worthless, so jaded = bored is a pretty dissonant groove.

sunshine after e rain it is. e wk began heinously, horribly, hatefully. 3 words to describe 3 days replete wif revolting n repugnant pw. pw's prob more LADEN wif shit den BUSH (get e pun?). come thurs i entered e renaissance of my pool career. despite silly stumbles here n there, my pottin n placin's manifestly sublime. i'm up for punch anitime do gif me a buzz. bumped into brother koh n yunlei, ben lim joined us as well, in his idiotic tchs shirt lol. sat down n engaged in inanely idiotic repartee wif dem bfore headin for evita's. ate my fill there, yummy. n today, or yesterday to be precise, playin ample amts o' ball, trainin, a late dinner at lucky plaza foodcourt. not gettin a table at paradigm reeli got my monkey up tho. everyone seemed peeved off at sumthin or another, me, jack, evita, sarah, minli, even zhikai.

but well u noe, ebb n flow, it subsides n nothin's left but a mild aftertaste. in time tt too absconds. seriously, gettin carried awae by e torrents of overwhelmin emotions is stupid. speculation unceremoniously barges in, infects ur being n u end up pissed off n pissin everyone off too. e feelin's mutual i noe.
but yea i noe, we all noe, life's a big bitch wif bad attitude, a perpetual sort of annoyance, a zit tt never ever goes awae. still, i'm a happy man. if yan can cook, so can you. we can all be happy n deluded suckers. cheers!

tt was rather out of pt. still, reprisal of my deranged attempt at poetry earlier on. it boils down to gratitude. u gotta be satisfied wif wat u haf if u wanna be happy. to certain ppl, lemme tell u, dis is e backbone of my unwaverin belief tt happiness is a delicate choice. it's not a bloody goal. so if it is aniwae, u set ur own goals, N TT IS BLOODY HELL MAKIN A CHOICE. it is inescapable. strive all we want, eventually we haf to decide wat we're satisfied wif n consequently whether we're happy. so i win, happiness is a choice, not a goal/aim/bullshit. my thoughts aren't very coherent at dis unearthly hour, come back when mr.cerebro is in, mebbe a century from now.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:12 am

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kinda pointless. i'm not a harry potter fan, really.

Your Years at Hogwarts by nevermindless
Name:
The Sorting Hat places you in:	Gryffindor (Red and Gold)
Subject you are naturally best at:	Defense Against the Dark Arts
Your favorite book:	Gilderoy Lockhart`s Guide to Household Pests by Gilderoy Lockhart
Pet you bring to school:	Dark-crowned Screech Owl
You are most known for:	Your brains.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:22 am

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Wednesday, November 12, 2003:

nugatory utterances

wonder y i still bother wif dis little bitty blog. come to think abt it, it's a convenient logbk for tt which transpires in my life. highly preferably to writin in a diary, my wrist aches easily.

yours truly lives in rather interestin times. caught e matrix marathon last wkend wif zhikai, sarah, evita n minli. blew me awae reeli. how surreal it was, seein all three in rapid succession. a rich tapestry tt's burnt itself into e back of my head. it was frustratin however, seein how it got more banal, trite n cheesy in e 2nd n 3rd ones.

apart from e slavery of pw on mondae, bought my first pair of ra movie tix. sumhow tt rush of elation, e feelin tt everythin has come full circle, e rush of endorphins into e bloodstream, never came. it is a conundrum, how did it elude me? nothin's supposed to please me more den runnin circles round e system n goin "HA GOTCHA". but at least e movie, the human stain, was pretty darn gd. well kill bill's up next, 15 too.

i impelled myself, lugged my sorry carcass all e way to mag ng's hse in jurong 2 days in a row for pw. so yea, fuck u pw. dun tink ani sane person holds an opinion to e contrary.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:39 am

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intermittent downpours

times like these i haf no choice but to conclude tt i am irony incarnate. things r ostensibly in shambles n i am anythin but tt which my name means. my name is an absolute misnomer.

funny how e gravity of my predicament diminishes so greatly once i acknowledge e problems do exist. once yanked out of e shadows n rendered corporeal, they hold no sway over me.

my sluggishness at trainin todae was a harsh reminder tt i shud never undereat bfore embarkin on a day's fast.

joy to the world people, pw's finally over. liberation, exoneration, RELEASE. e holidaes haf finally knocked on my front door. u've been consigned to oblivion pw, words will never suffice, incapable of demarcatin my boundless joy. not only tt, our new bball coach is one helluva dude. it reeli is serendipity, divine intervention, wateva u call it. he's brought us out of cardiac arrest.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:19 am

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Monday, November 10, 2003:

The Big Five Personality Test

Extroverted	||||||||||||||	58%
Introverted	||||||||||||	42%
Friendly	||||||||||||||	52%
Aggressive	||||||||||||	48%
Orderly	||||||||||||	46%
Disorderly	||||||||||||||	54%
Relaxed	||||||||||||||||	62%
Emotional	||||||||||	38%
Intellectual	||||||||||||||||	66%
Practical	||||||||||	34%

Take Free Big 5 Personality Test

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 3:11 pm

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Sunday, November 09, 2003:

lemme show you the golden finger

perhaps u've been expectin too much. perhaps u've been expectin e wrong things from us. perhaps u're blowin things far out of proportion. perhaps u need to sort things out. stop makin a mountain out of a molehill n cease dis idiocy, bein so quick to ascribe our absence to a lack of commitment on our part. u noe, we'd still haf turned up for mornin trainin, IF U DIN CANCEL IT! it's gettin rather aggravatin cos after all, we've given u tons of space bfore. still, i apologize for my shortcomins, forgive my transgresses.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 1:28 pm

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Wednesday, November 05, 2003:

poignant

thanx for e kind words j.gan, my tormented spirits reeli appreciate it.

we will, we have to, we must up our efforts. we reeli need more experience n not to mention more mindfulness durin trainin to make sure we get e basic skills rite. it's vital we receive individual feedback but e absence of a coach kinda complicates things tremendously. not exactly e most opportune moment to be coachless, juz as we intrepidly initiate dis long n arduous journey. i pray fervently tt in time bein in e heat of battle coupled wif e sweat n blood incurred durin trainin forges us into brazen players wif a tad of panache, or at e very least imbues us wif sheer tenacity. askin for too much? nay i say.

i reeli do hanker for a little more simplicity. i wish e situation were less contrived, e labyrinthine nature of e matter makes it so inaccessible n impenetrable. if only my timin were better, if only e opportune moment came n empowered me to lunge straight for e jugular. perhaps i shud muster e courage to venture forth into e slaughterhouse once more. e year's end is incipient n i reeli muz goad myself into offerin my neck at e choppin board. there may be precious little choice for me if i desire extrication from e doldrums, tho i still run e risk of slippin ever further down into e abysmal depths. the stakes r inordinately high so i'll require sum time for deliberation.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 9:16 am

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Monday, November 03, 2003:

actualization

daily disclosure occurred elsewhere, so i reeli cant be bothered to pen anithin down tonite. i wonder tho how despondent, depressive, deplorable n destitute feelins take root in e psyche seeminly spontaneously. do dese horrid feelins dwell in e subterranean n uncharted depths of e soul, impudently surfacin at e most unseasonable moments?

tmr'll be a momentous dae for e team. our first friendly, wif e potential to facilitate our ascension to a higher pedestal, provided we ace e game. e tone-setter for everythin tt comes after, after all we're playin wifout a coach. dis cud make us or break us. i implore u dear God, purge my hunger pangs for e duration of e game n grant me unwaverin fortitude n intensity. lets do it peeps.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 11:03 am

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Sunday, November 02, 2003:

perplexed

e apex of annoyance, losin my post juz as i wuz on e verge of sayin sumthin poignant n cerebral (for once).

wat defines us? wat delineates e realm of e possible n e nether regions of e impossible, tt which is seemingly beyond mortal grasp? a great portion of human endeavour cannot be accomplished thru sheer talent n hard work, perhaps it can be attributed to serendipitous circumstances? i've seen enuff of life to noe tt flair can't take u e whole way, neither does work unendin. at times even both can't get u past e halfway mark. time was when no man cud run a mile in under 4 minutes. now it's commonplace to see every single runner in a world-class final finish in a blazin 3:50 or less. i'm pretty sure none of them wud break 4 if dey truly believed it impossible, regardless of how doggedly they trained. so y r some so far ahead of their peers, sufficiently fleet of foot to catch their dreams n leave everyone else eatin dust? wat gives a visionary e conviction to guard his dreams wif such intense fervour, even in e face of derision from all quarters, even when it seems impossible to e masses? even more intriguin n enigmatic is how dese fantastic n otherworldly dreams r given flesh, brought into our world to see e light of day. think abt it, almost everythin in dis world started out as a splinter in e mind's eye. perhaps to e visionary e birth of his dreams in e real world is nothin more than inevitability. perhaps it's no longer a question of how, but when?

btw can't wait for matrix marathon, shiok.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 10:53 am

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Saturday, November 01, 2003:

roundabout

i'm assumin dis is nothin more den a bump on e road, tt dese feelins r merely transient. e anger's gone, but bitterness has taken its place. ineffable longin too, not to mention regret stretchin as far back as e past 17 yrs. seasonal misery perhaps? i still wish i could go back n fix it all up. tt i cant makes it all e more irksome. worse still, my well of inane justifications' run dry.

it's my pride, my ego, seekin validation. all e options i previously considered r still open to me. tt additional bit taken awae from me wud haf been e icing on e cake, non-vital by all means. i'll get by, attain tt bare minimum, as i've alwaes done.

so much to do, or too much to do? i reeli dont know. i'm in a bind, at a loss, bewildered by e sheer amt of options i haf. every route seems equally tantalisin, so how mani of dem will i haf time to explore? choices, choices, choices. time to prioritise i guess. but i want it all, n of cos i wanna haf my cake n eat it, no pt juz havin e cake, it goes bad after awhile if u dont consume it. consternation ends now.

-unshackled and unfettered he seeks power sublime- 8:03 am

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